My religious explanation/backround, and my worries about seeing people at my ex-church.
12:32 a.m. - 2002-06-19


Yes,

I am back again.

I can already hear your faint, nonexistent cheers, as I type this. I haven't intentionally been neglecting this-- I swear! I wasn't even going to leave the cast of characters entry up as a current one, but I didn't have time to type a new one at the time, and due to circumstances beyond my control, I haven't been able to sit down and type an entry for, like a week (or however long I haven't been on here). But let me explain.

My brothers dorky weird friend P. (they've been friends since they were like 7-- we were briefly friends too, back then), who is like a total hypocondriac, was like moving in to a new house, apparently. And then, there were problems with an occupancy permit, or something, and he couldn't stay there, so of course he came over here (I wonder where his parents slept???) and spent the night. Just one or two nights, or so I heard. I'm not too fond of P., he hasn't eaten anything from our house since he was like ten. What the hell does he think? Are we diseased and covered with gross funky things that we put in the food?

Anyway, so I just figured, okay, I stay in my room a lot anyway, I'll just stay in my room, and only come out to get food, or use the bathroom. Its only a day. Or, try four days. He slept in the living room, where the computer is, and he stayed up all night on it anyway. I don't want to know what he was looking at, thank you anyway. Since I won't type my entries during the day (my brothers sit down in the chair next to the computer, pretend to watch tv, and read everything I write. Okay, maybe they aren't pretending to watch tv, but either way, they read everything, even if I tell them not to. Can't stop themselves, I guess. So I just don't type this during the day), and I was trying to avoid him anyway, I didn't get a chance to type anything here. Anyway, enough long, drawn-out excuses. On to the other boring crap I write about.

Chloe thinks about her plans.

I had this total angst fest planned, after reading about perceptions jaunt to new orleans, and how I wished I could be that carefree, but that was basically it. If I feel like it, I can write it some other time. Don't worry, you don't have to read it or anything.

But a new thing has come up.

Alright. Now, if you've read any of my survey answers (but why the hell would you do that?) you may know that I'm agnostic. Thats about as far as I have conversed as far as religion on here. So, I will go into the background, so you can understand a little better about why I'm worried about tomorrow's course of action.

The Dreaded Religious Background!

I was one of those gung-ho Christians. The really intense kind who was always worrying about other non-Christians going to hell! Oh no! This was back in my early teens, from about 13 to 17. I was one of those people who went to church all the time, Sunday, about half the time to evening services too, and Wednesday, everytime there was a special youth event, etc. I got to be about 17 and a half, I was in my second semester at college (I still lived/ do live at home, though) and I started acknowledging the fact that I had doubts. I thought, you know, if this is the undisputable truth, then why the hell (although I would have used different language back then) do I try to avoid thinking too much about stuff beyond "god is great, and please help me to study well" and all that crap? I guess it occured to me that I shouldn't feel like I shouldn't be thinking. I am a very introverted person, I think about EVERYTHING (as you may have noticed (I'm being sarcastic) I type about a lot of it too), and I shouldn't feel ashamed or avoid thinking critically. I shouldn't feel that its necessary to avoid thinking about certain things. So I did. I'm not going to go into too much detail here, I believe religion is a personal thing, and becoming agnostic or atheist (or any other religion, for that matter) should be based upon your own thoughts, beliefs, and experiences, not on what someone else says you should believe (hello evangelists? Can you hear me???). But suffice to say I thought up a lot of things that didn't make sense to me. I am agnostic, I don't know if theres a god (or gods, I guess), and I don't presume to know, or act like I know that there is or isn't one. I cannot believe in the christian god, it doesn't make sense to me, and I think its just some ancient people playing a joke (or jesus was crazy), and people took it seriously and made it into the ridiculous conversion-demanding crap that people believe in today. I gradually removed myself from church life, it took a while, because I had been raised christian, and it takes a while to lose old habits and beliefs. I finally left my church, after some tough crap, and I haven't been back except for maybe 3-4 times. No one there knows about my belief change, other than my best friend (who of course is a christian, and thinks its just a stage of belief I'm going through. But she doesn't try to change my mind (often) and when she starts to get all angry when we discuss it, I simply say, you're getting mad. I disagree with you, and that should be okay. People are allowed to be different), a few other non-christians, and complete strangers on the internet, because I used to be one of them, and I know how they think about stuff like that. Not that its that kind of church, but they'd probably hold an intervention, or a de-possession, or some such junk. And I'm never going to believe in Christian stuff again. (I'm sorry this is getting so long and bewildering, but it is and was complicated). Not even my mom knows, because I know it would really upset her, but I bet quite a few of the church members suspect, just because they haven't seen or heard from me much, and I haven't gone to another church. However, gossip is a sin, so they only say it quietly to close friends, and I don't think it'll get back to my mother. Anyway, so now I get a lot of not-friendliness from people (and christians at that) who used to be my friends (I thought) that I only saw at church. One of the reasons I don't go back to visit more often, even though I really used to like those people. Who wants to be treated like crap by people who used to be your friends? Another reason I don't go back: Questions like, "So, what church are you going now?" Statements like "Gee, I haven't seen you in forever-- why don't you stop and talk with me for a while? Come back soon, and we can have a nice talk!" and, (must include a penetrating stare here) "So, how is your relationship with god? What is up with your religion?" by the youth pastor, who I really like, he's a great guy, but I'm not going to tell him about it, he'll only try to change me. Okay, enough history.

So its been at least 6 monthes, I'm thinking more like 9, since I've seen anyone who goes there (other than my brothers and my mother), and now my brother has invited me to some special game night thing-- and Chian too. I don't want to turn him down, cause I don't want him to know I didn't want to go there, so I tried a nice "Maybe, I'll ask Chian about it and get back to you". I wasn't going to ask her, except casually, and kinda making it seem like I didn't want to go, but then, when she was coming over to pick me up, he asked me about it again, saying "will you ask her while your out?" I kinda avoided it, saying "well, I might forget?" and he says, "well, then I'll ask her myself now!" with a cursory, "if thats okay with you?" I of course said "fine" and he asked her. She said, "well okay." While she still is a christian, she hasn't been to church since I have. She just e-mailed me, kinda asking what it was, and if I was going (in other words, are you going to be uncomfortable and not want to go, cause I'll support you and say I don't either. She can be really sweet like that, in her way, which isn't quite as warm and sweet like I wrote that) I said that I would go, but only if she was going, because I won't go without her, as everyone will cold-shoulder me, and if they don't, I'd be extremely uncomfortable (since religion would definitely come up, and I ain't tellin' them). She e-mailed me back and said sure. So we're going, even though I'm worried. We're apparently heading over to another youth group, who don't know me, so hopefully it will be more comfortable. So I'm really worried about that. I have a tendency to obsess about things I'm worried about (as you may have noticed, ;o) ), so that is why this is the topic of this entry. Hopefully now that its out on screen, and shared with whoever cares (I know no one reads this, but maybe someone will, someday) I will not freak so much, and sleep better.

And, I want to look like a total fox too-- just to show them. Back then, I didn't wear contacts, and I was 20 pounds heavier and not nearly as stylish (oh yeah, I'm groovy, baby! **austin powers voice**). On the agenda for tomorrow--

:o)

Shaking Hands Me

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